After a hellish week one is usually glad to be home to relax. For a person with high anxiety that’s not always the case. The problem is the body gets used to the stress, it gets used to the high-strung feeling, the high if you will. Then it’s over, and the calm sets in. The body doesn’t know how to relax, so it sets off alarm, that something is wrong.
There’s nothing wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong. For a normal person one can take a hot bath and just leave it all behind, not me. Not my body, my body absolutely HATES me. The unwind is slow, it’s literally muscle by muscle. First it starts in the upper back, you feel the tension, the pain, the release. Then around to the chest, that huge weight of bricks lifts and in its wake there’s a dull ache. Causing someone like me to overreact and think…..SHIT, I’m having a heart attack, this could be it. Alarms go off, and I spiral.
In the years I’ve had this I’ve been able to control the anxiety. When I was little I’d go out ride my bike keep busy, as a teen I would cut, as a young adult I was so busy with babies I just didn’t have the time to worry about it. Well, sadly, my babies are growing. They are more independent and I’m left to find things to keep myself occupied on my own. So I cook, I clean, I play mindless games to keep my mind from thinking about the what if’s. I slipped 7 months ago, and fell into a deep depression, which lead to one long anxiety attack. Literally I remember one lasting me 5 days! FIVE FUCKING DAYS! Of course when that’s going on, I feel selfish and useless. A bad mother, a bad wife, you name it. I never wanted to give up, and that says something right there.
So I found ways to deal, I’m not on medication, I see a therapist, I constantly reassure my self that it’s going to be okay, I sometimes wear a hair band on my wrist to snap myself out of it, I scream when no one can hear to STOP. But, my biggest support is my husband and to great group of people I surround myself with.
So, anyone who deals with this, daily. I say, keep on keepin’ on, and all that jazz.
Good day to you all.