Anxiety is a B, Summer 2013.
I’ve been absent dealing with personal issues. Anxiety, out of the blue, unexplained. This all started at the end of May/early June. I can’t remember. Or maybe I’m trying to forget in any case I have managed to get a hold of myself for the time being. So let’s take is back a bit.
I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, I remember the day vividly. I started to feel off, very tired, kinda sick. I got the shakes (the kind you get when you’re about to puke) I went to bed hoping sleep would help me get over it. I ended up dry heaving and feeling so out of control that mind my wandered.
back history, my memaw died when I was 13 at the age of 56. this was traumatic for me. i had convinced myself at that age I too would die early
So I’m having this attack, my legs are shaking uncontrollably and I’m scared. There was nothing to bring this one. things at home were going great, things at work fantastic, friends were there with no drama. (a rarity) So I thought the worst. “this can’t be an anxiety attack right? It has to be my heart, I’m not breathing right, my fingers are going numb. My nerve damage is getting worse, I’m afraid I’m going to pass out, I hate passing out, it’s horrifying. these are the thoughts going through my mind. I finally sleep.
the next day is good, we go see Joe’s parents at their church, and I’m feeling semi okay. kinda numb but better than the worry, the trembling. By mid day it starts again, I can’t take this. I schedule an appointment for the dr. Monday morning comes around and I’m off to the dr. I’m prescribed prozac (because i use to take it before the kids), this medication takes two weeks to kick in. I’m told to practice breathing exercises in the meantime. During mid day I’m feeling awful, I can’t eat, I’m scared and I’m at work. My friend is diabetic and knows I’m hypoglycemic so we check my blood, 40….then 20. I’m off to the hospital. They check it again there I’m 60, they give me a meal with juice, I’m back up to 83. i get my ekg, normal, i go home. I start yoga. I’m feeling pretty good compared to the last couple days. I go on this way feeling okay with some panic attacks at night for 5 days. then another bad one hits, I’m back at the hospital thinking for sure I’m going to die. they check everything again and suggest a pulmonary specialist and an endocrinologist, then give me an ativan.
Ativan sucks, I felt trapped in my own body, still anxious, but numb. if I was suicidal I probably wouldn’t have done something stupid. But I’m not, I have a wonderful family and friends so that’s not an option for me. Honestly I’d like to live forever if I could. I make my appointment the next day for the endocrinologist. They check my weight in the office, I’ve lost 10 lbs in 5 days. I can’t eat, I tell them. they set me up with a blood sugar tester and I’m feeling okay again. two days later, I still can’t it and am not getting any better. I call my primary dr. he says stop taking the prozac, it can cause anorexia. Awesome. I stop, I call a therapist and I’m on the road to recovery.
I’m not lying, the therapist and checking my blood sugar is literally the best thing that happened for me in this whirl wind. I’m medication free, exercising and am able to understand and control my attacks. See I’m a worrier, I’m the what if girl. But at the same time I’m the always look on the bright side, and I have to keep with the last one and not worry about the what ifs. We can’t control them any how. Anxiety sucks is my point, it’s scary and sets off alarms in our bodies that leave us feeling out of control and sometimes dying. I’m back to myself now, and a better model. I’m not cured, and even if I was I’d still have a therapist, that an exercise I truly believe make people better humans.
good day to you all.