So we just got here from Jersey. Devil’s advocate is on and I think I’ve told joe this 25 times since I’ve known him. “Ya know Crystal and I went to the movies to watch this 3 times.” At this point Joe doesn’t say a word, pretending I never said a thing. It’s not that he doesn’t care but this is how life goes, when you are with someone for so long, stories repeat . This goes both ways, life on repeat.
We are here now, as I said, Devil’s Advocate playing in the background. I’m blogging, Isaac’s almost sleeping, Ryan and Josh are playing on their kindles, Joe is reading sheet music, and the grandparents are probably wondering……why in the world do we invite this crazy assholes here all the time? My family, as a whole filled with a variety of personalities. Some call us dysfunctional, insane, fun, spiteful, know it alls, quiet, LOUD, and many more names. But, we are family.
Yeah I said it. Rollerblading, yeah I did it. Unfortunately, the ghetto ass rink roller blades suck for my falling arches. I am still recovering from the damage done to my ankles. I’m talking blood, through my socks! But I did it. Shout out to Sean P. for talking us into it, even though it didn’t too much. So this year for my 36th birthday there will be skating rink fun! I will be wrapping my ankles and hoping for the best.
God dammit, I’m OLD! And ya know what, I don’t want to hear any back sass from you older folks. When you turned 36 I know you were bitching about it too, so STFU and let me rant. I’m old, my bones hurt, I’m not in shape, and I’m moving closer and closer to death. That’s some scary shit getting older. Now when I work out, I have to worry about working too hard. When I get angry I have to worry about getting too angry. When I eat I have to worry about what I’m eating. Heart attack central. No one warns you of this shit when you are young, or maybe they did and I wasn’t listening. In any case, it sucks.
Thanks to my sister I decided to write again. so, as I sit here and watch girl meets world I think about how I’ve let you all down. All 3 of you that still actually read my blog. I’m not as angry as I was, maybe that makes me less passionate about writing. I’m not as depressed as I use to be, so maybe that makes my writing a little dull. But here I am….I’m back!
I’ve posted about many of topics of the years, I’ve touched on them all. Even me, my life, how I roll. Pretty sweet really, I wake up to 3 boys who fight going to school, who give me a hard time feeding the cats, who fight over well…..everything. Then I go to work, I do some art then listen to people moan on the phone. It’s glamorous I know. I come home make way more elaborate dishes than I used to get as a child, and then I veg out on the tv. Oh yeah almost forgot I go to the gym, I’m almost 36 there no way of avoiding that.
In my 35 years on this earth I’ve come to realize that life is not always exciting, life is not always daring and spectacular. Most of our days are spent in routines, tedious routines. So I blog, I read, I sign up for college to become something new. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: If you stay in one place too long, you get stuck, you die young, you become BORING. No thanks, that is definitely not the life for this Leo.
Is never easy. It’s not like we don’t have practice, we start young. A day at the playground meeting new friends, Time to go Billy. A weekend at the beach….well work on Monday, Mary. That Midnight, he was a good dog…..Ghellar, Bella, I wish they would’ve lived longer.
Saying good-bye sucks. To a Parent biological or not, that is one of the worst. A person could argue that saying a goodbye to a child is the worst, and I wouldn’t argue back. I don’t know that pain and I HOPE I never do. I do know the pain of losing a parent and a parental figure. I know that pain all too well. It SUCKS, it never gets easier. We tell ourselves it does. But, if you stop and think about that person……really think about then, in a moment of weakness, looking at a photograph, a certain smell, a song, an article of clothing, hell, a fucking t.v. show. In that moment it’s not easy, there’s a break. A tear in your heart that is never mended, maybe a piece of mesh falls over it to keep from all the happiness from pouring out. But that one little tear stays with you a lifetime.
You no longer remember the fights, the nights wishing they were gone, wishing you never knew them, or even hating them. That’s all out the window. You’re left with a little hollow tear. Keep it small. Keep it hidden at times. let the tears flow.
good day to you all.
I know it hurts, the sting is not so sweet. The pain is something unfamiliar, something unimaginable. Something, you never thought could be possible. Not with our childhood, not with what happens during those times. The times you wanna, not you wish you had a different life. We did that, we have a different life. But our past is our past and it’s a part of us. For all the bad times, there were good times. Wildwood, state fairs, air fresheners, water gun wars. It’s funny how the mind and heart works isn’t it? We remember all the bad all the time and never the good until something happens. humans…..a funny thing.
I miss him, my step dad. everyday, the pain changes. It doesn’t fade, it never goes away, we just learn to live with it, not accepting but living. I can’t even think too long before the tears come. Do I have the words to ease your pain?
No, I’m sorry.
Do I have a shoulder for you to cry on, and ear for you to pour it all out into.
I can tell you something though, something I wish I did, something I wish everyday. Call, and if he won’t answer… go to him. And just know this, I love you. And the craziest thing is, he does too.
…but we are friends. I see this a lot, on facebook, at work, around town. I enjoy seeing this, it gives me hope that we aren’t so wrapped up in ourselves that we can still have open minds. We can still find that something that joins us. That the things we don’t agree on don’t hold a candle to our actual likeness. What a crazy thing, right, humans. Silly and wonderful in so many ways.
I find myself shaking my head at the people online, and in life. The ones who really want to be right. Who just can’t let go until you flip sides to theirs. I shake my head, get a little bit frustrated, then I get sad, and finally I move on. I’m not one to hold grudges, I am just not made up that way. Sure I can stay angry for sometime, but that’s not a grudge as much as a hurt. A pain that the person I let in, that I thought knew me would put me in a situation that made me feel bad, or that they would not get where I’m coming from.
But, I get over it fast, I can forgive easily, and move on. It’s in the way I’m wired I suppose, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Just thought I’d share.
Good day to you all.
With fault of none other
she sways her head
to the beat of the music
she sways her head
to the drum of her heart
she sways her head
in the heat of the moment
in her touch of life
hold on to your youth
pick up your tongue
onto the valley
run run run
she sways her head
when no one else can hear her
the voices so strong
swaying her head is all that can be done.